Success!

I had my first weigh-in at Weight Watchers today: a loss of 2.6kgs! Thank fucking christ. I was a little bit worried because I hadn't done a whole lot of exercise the previous week (hardly any really) and didn't track too exactly on the weekend. But hurrah for me, I say.

When the alarm went off this morning I considered staying in bed so I could slink out and straight to WW having not consumed anything, thereby posting a good loss. But I realised this was NOT the correct attitude and I was trying to change my whole lifestyle, not just see the number change on the scale. So I got up, went for a run, had a good breakfast and coffee and felt pretty damn good because of it.

I remember once a few of my friends were chatting about eating habits, and saying how because growing up, their mothers had always told them to snack on fruit, that's what they always did now. They would hardly ever have an icecream or chocolate for a treat, because they hardly ever did as kids. Well, my mother always told me to snack on fruit too, but fat lot of good that did me. As soon as I reached adulthood I went crazy with the freedom to choose my own foods. A couple of months ago I went through a Magnum ice-cream phase where I was eating about 3 or 4 a day. How many points in those things, like 10? Jeebus.

Another thought: having lunch with some friends once, and one ordered a salad for her main meal. "That's a pretty abstemious lunch you're having, K" one remarked. K replied that she hadn't done much exercise that week, so something had to give. Sensible indeed. When will I be able to get to that state of mind? That's how I want to live my life.

In the Beginning...

Yes, it's another fat blog.

I am planning to post on here my thoughts, notes, musings, failures (of which I hope there will be few) and triumphs (of which I hope there will be many).

I am 26 years old, 165cm tall, and 85 kilos - in other words, obese. I haven't always been obese (although I have usually thought or felt I am, but that's another story). Towards the end of university, around the time I met my now fiance (5 years ago) I started packing on the pounds. Slowly but surely, from a combination of simple lifestyle change, happiness (I'm in love! Let's eat out! He loves me for me!), and, ironically, depression (I'm worthless! I have no future! There's no point!) the number on the scales crept upwards. I was shocked a couple of years ago to see I weighed 71kgs, and vowed to do something about it. Clearly, that one didn't work out.

A bad bout of depression, a trip through Italy, 6 months living in Northern Europe, and then a period of unemployment in a new city cemented the deal, leaving me 25kgs heavier than I was 5 years ago. Over the past year I have yo-yoed, losing 7 kilos, then putting it back on again. My relationship with food has grown so unhealthy what I previously thought of as a binge looks like a normal eating day by comparison. I finally joined Weight Watchers 2 days ago. 2 days before that, I was spending my days eating 5-6 ice-creams (or a whole family size tub), a whole cake, and a whole pizza and then hiding the evidence in the rubbish before my fiance came home.

Nevermore, quoth the raven, nevermore.

I have tried to lose weight countless, countless times, often thinking "This is it! This is the time it's going to work!" before coming crashing down again. I always thought my wedding would be motivation enough, but I have been engaged for 3 months and actually put on weight. But I am hopeful this will work, finally. First of all, I am going to WW meetings. Secondly, I am going to address the emotional/psychological issues. Thirdly, I hope this blog will provide something of an outlet, and a useful reminder of the changes I am trying to make.

So, to kick things off, I have decided to create a list. I adore lists- I am not very organised, and usually forget or throw away my lists before accomplishing them, but I love the process. Hence:

Reasons to Lose Weight

1. Health. I am putting myself at risk for all kinds of horrors, like diabetes and heart disease (which runs in my family). And even at the moment, I can see the effects of my weight- I have less energy, physical tasks are harder, and I have horrible acid reflux. I want to be around for a long life with my fiance, I want to have kids.
   
2. Appearance. I know it's not supposed to be the main motivating factor, but the fact is, I look rubbish at this weight. I am lumpy and doughy, my clothes don't fit or flatter (can you really flatter bulbous arms or cascading rolls of tummy fat?) and I literally can't think of a single thing in my wardrobe I like wearing.
3. Self esteem and mood. This is tied to appearance, obviously, but the lack of control I have over food is depressing and would be even if I were a normal weight. Eating cr@p makes me feel awful, mentally as well as physically.

Reasons not to Lose Weight

1. I can keep eating obscene amounts of cr@p.
   

Not really much competition, is there. Of course, it's not so simple in practice, but hopefully by writing this down it will be a little more burnt in my brain, so next time I want to nip down to the 7-11 for 2 pints of cookies & cream ice cream, I will be able to resist.

Wow. I started this blog on a whim, and can't believe how much I want to write. But perhaps this is enough for one day. I should go and do some exercise... sadly, writing and thinking about weight loss isn't a substitute for action- if it were, I would be dangerously underweight by now.