Off the rails, and out of my mind

It has not been a good period for me.

Since the last post, rather than get back on track as I said I would, I got steadily worse. I went over my points. I didn't plan. I started to binge with increasing frequency.

This week I have been home alone while my fiance is away on business. Being alone has never been good for my eating habits.

I binged like I have never binged before. For days straight. I am ashamed to even write it down on an anonymous blog that noone reads. I can't bring myself to do it.

Even more than the fact that I'm bingeing again, more than the fact that I will have put on weight and be back to my starting weight (at least, I am expecting about 2kgs above that to be honest), I have been disturbed by the sheer craziness of my behaviour. It's so unnatural. I don't want to do it. I know I don't, and even as I take the ice-cream out of the freezer, even before I've bought it, I know I don't want to do it. I act like an automaton. What on earth possesses me to go out and buy vast amounts of junk, and binge on it, all the while having a sick feeling of dread in my heart that I am going to hate myself for it, that it will make me miserable, that I wish I could stop?

In desperation tonight I went online and bought a couple of books to add to my stash of 'final solution' diet books. I bought one on binge eating written by a psychiatrist, and one on techniques to stop overeating. Browsing through the titles made me panicky. There were so many choices, I was so anxious to get the right one. But there isn't one really, is there. No magic bullet. When these books arrive I will tear off the packaging, devour them earnestly, and they will probably make little difference.

I haven't been to weight watchers in 3 weeks. I am so scared to go back. So ashamed. I can't imagine how embarrassed I'll be when I get on the scales and the leader sees I weigh more than I did when I started.

God, I am so ready for this to stop.

Bugger!

Well, right before the supposedly habit forming 3 weeks were up, I slipped and had a binge in a major way. I don't even really know why... perhaps somewhat hormonal, perhaps not. On Thursday night I went out to dinner with a few people and went over my points - not significantly (in retrospect), given that it was still within counting range! However, perhaps that feeling of disappointment, combined with a sense of helplessness about being unable to know just how many points I consume when eating out, led me to feel totally out of control the next day. It was compounded by knowing I had to go out that night again, and would have very limited options reL dinner - our friends were determined to have horribly greasy takeway. I tried valiantly, at first. I tracked the extra little snacks I had to keep me accountable, I had cups of tea to distract myself, I sat and had a proper meal, I looked for alternatives.. but by 1pm I had already eaten more than half my points for the day.

Sitting in class later on, I was overwhelmed with a desire for cheesecake. Great slabs of it, with that sweet, tart, creamy topping on crunchy buttery base... I thought about this nearly constantly for 3 hours straight. On the way home (I did make myself walk, at least) I decided to go to the supermarket and buy one. Not a slice from a cafe, not a small portion from our deli, but a whole, frozen, sara lee cheesecake. I made this decision quite consciously, and had 25 minutes of walking time to change my mind, but didn't. I cut the cheesecake in half, and sat down with 2 vast wedges in a bowl. Shovelled some in my mouth, then quickly rushed to put it in the microwave since it wasn't defrosting fast enough. I thought briefly about throwing the other half out, but didn't. I ate my first portion, then put the rest of the cake in the bowl. About halfway through that, I realised I was feeling physically sick, and finally, belatedly through away the few remaining dregs.

You'd think that would be enough, but I then proceeded to mindlessly eat 2 bread rolls and about 5 string cheese portions.

Ironically, after my binge seemed to have subsided, I got a call from my friend - the night was cancelled. No greasy takeaway after all.

Of course, this was my cue to order pizza for dinner for myself anyway.

SO, what could I have done differently, apart from the obvious? At the moment, my feeling is I have to be more ready to just accept difficult situations when I am going to go over my points, and just enjoy them. I certainly ate a hell of a lot more than I would have just by eating a bit of takeaway at a friend's house. Secondly, sometimes I should just have what I want, when I really want it. I thought about cheesecake for 3 hours for goodness sakes! I could easily have stopped at a cafe on the way home that makes good (and even so-called "low fat") cheesecake, ordered a slice, and really sat down and enjoyed it with a coffee. I feel like I am totally unable to incorporate treats into everyday life. I can't remember the last time I had some chocolate or ice-cream or dessert as part of a normal day of eating. Either I eat the whole fucking thing and then start throwing in the kitchen sink, or I totally avoid anything sugary and treat-related at all.

Sigh. I am certainly not expecting a loss this week. I am trying to consider it a lesson. I am trying to just keep on keeping on. It's hard.