In the Beginning...

Yes, it's another fat blog.

I am planning to post on here my thoughts, notes, musings, failures (of which I hope there will be few) and triumphs (of which I hope there will be many).

I am 26 years old, 165cm tall, and 85 kilos - in other words, obese. I haven't always been obese (although I have usually thought or felt I am, but that's another story). Towards the end of university, around the time I met my now fiance (5 years ago) I started packing on the pounds. Slowly but surely, from a combination of simple lifestyle change, happiness (I'm in love! Let's eat out! He loves me for me!), and, ironically, depression (I'm worthless! I have no future! There's no point!) the number on the scales crept upwards. I was shocked a couple of years ago to see I weighed 71kgs, and vowed to do something about it. Clearly, that one didn't work out.

A bad bout of depression, a trip through Italy, 6 months living in Northern Europe, and then a period of unemployment in a new city cemented the deal, leaving me 25kgs heavier than I was 5 years ago. Over the past year I have yo-yoed, losing 7 kilos, then putting it back on again. My relationship with food has grown so unhealthy what I previously thought of as a binge looks like a normal eating day by comparison. I finally joined Weight Watchers 2 days ago. 2 days before that, I was spending my days eating 5-6 ice-creams (or a whole family size tub), a whole cake, and a whole pizza and then hiding the evidence in the rubbish before my fiance came home.

Nevermore, quoth the raven, nevermore.

I have tried to lose weight countless, countless times, often thinking "This is it! This is the time it's going to work!" before coming crashing down again. I always thought my wedding would be motivation enough, but I have been engaged for 3 months and actually put on weight. But I am hopeful this will work, finally. First of all, I am going to WW meetings. Secondly, I am going to address the emotional/psychological issues. Thirdly, I hope this blog will provide something of an outlet, and a useful reminder of the changes I am trying to make.

So, to kick things off, I have decided to create a list. I adore lists- I am not very organised, and usually forget or throw away my lists before accomplishing them, but I love the process. Hence:

Reasons to Lose Weight

1. Health. I am putting myself at risk for all kinds of horrors, like diabetes and heart disease (which runs in my family). And even at the moment, I can see the effects of my weight- I have less energy, physical tasks are harder, and I have horrible acid reflux. I want to be around for a long life with my fiance, I want to have kids.
   
2. Appearance. I know it's not supposed to be the main motivating factor, but the fact is, I look rubbish at this weight. I am lumpy and doughy, my clothes don't fit or flatter (can you really flatter bulbous arms or cascading rolls of tummy fat?) and I literally can't think of a single thing in my wardrobe I like wearing.
3. Self esteem and mood. This is tied to appearance, obviously, but the lack of control I have over food is depressing and would be even if I were a normal weight. Eating cr@p makes me feel awful, mentally as well as physically.

Reasons not to Lose Weight

1. I can keep eating obscene amounts of cr@p.
   

Not really much competition, is there. Of course, it's not so simple in practice, but hopefully by writing this down it will be a little more burnt in my brain, so next time I want to nip down to the 7-11 for 2 pints of cookies & cream ice cream, I will be able to resist.

Wow. I started this blog on a whim, and can't believe how much I want to write. But perhaps this is enough for one day. I should go and do some exercise... sadly, writing and thinking about weight loss isn't a substitute for action- if it were, I would be dangerously underweight by now.