It has not been a good period for me.
Since the last post, rather than get back on track as I said I would, I got steadily worse. I went over my points. I didn't plan. I started to binge with increasing frequency.
This week I have been home alone while my fiance is away on business. Being alone has never been good for my eating habits.
I binged like I have never binged before. For days straight. I am ashamed to even write it down on an anonymous blog that noone reads. I can't bring myself to do it.
Even more than the fact that I'm bingeing again, more than the fact that I will have put on weight and be back to my starting weight (at least, I am expecting about 2kgs above that to be honest), I have been disturbed by the sheer craziness of my behaviour. It's so unnatural. I don't want to do it. I know I don't, and even as I take the ice-cream out of the freezer, even before I've bought it, I know I don't want to do it. I act like an automaton. What on earth possesses me to go out and buy vast amounts of junk, and binge on it, all the while having a sick feeling of dread in my heart that I am going to hate myself for it, that it will make me miserable, that I wish I could stop?
In desperation tonight I went online and bought a couple of books to add to my stash of 'final solution' diet books. I bought one on binge eating written by a psychiatrist, and one on techniques to stop overeating. Browsing through the titles made me panicky. There were so many choices, I was so anxious to get the right one. But there isn't one really, is there. No magic bullet. When these books arrive I will tear off the packaging, devour them earnestly, and they will probably make little difference.
I haven't been to weight watchers in 3 weeks. I am so scared to go back. So ashamed. I can't imagine how embarrassed I'll be when I get on the scales and the leader sees I weigh more than I did when I started.
God, I am so ready for this to stop.
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I am so sympathetic - really, we've all been there you are NOT alone. Do you read Beth's blog? It's http://asenseofscale.blogspot.com/ and she writes a lot about binging. The fact is that you've made the first step - you want to stop and you've articulated that. Perhaps you could make some baby steps to get back on track? Allow yourself some treats but decide - and write down - in advance what you're goint to eat and stick to that. You haven't failed - you've learnt a bit more about yourself and you'll learn resilience. These things happen but they're not the whole story. And go back to WW once you've got back on an even keel - again, you won't be the first person this has happened to. Good luck and report back soon.
ReplyDeletelove
Peridot x